| Processing grief on the physical, emotional, and mental levels.
Let’s explore grief in its broader sense — not just that feeling we get when losing a loved one, but something deeper, bigger, and more enduring. Let’s talk about grief as the process of letting go of the things that matter most — the end of an era in our lives or a chapter in our story. Grief as the process of letting go of the way things were and adapting our mental framework to face a new reality that’s now missing something fundamental.
While you might know about the Kübler-Ross model’s 5 stages of grief, or its later versions with up to 7 stages, this approach is different — instead of stages, it’s a journey of letting go.
A hero’s journey that starts with having something or someone that meant the world to them and ends with their absence. Whether they passed away or just gone, the journey of acceptance is mostly the same. Within this journey are different stages to take and challenges to overcome, each carrying its own mental and emotional weight as we slowly accept the loss and let go of something precious to us.
This complexity is what makes grief so challenging. It’s not just a single emotion—it’s an intricate experience involving all the feelings tied to the sense of loss. Leading to an overwhelming mix of sadness, disappointment, depression, despair, and heartbreak.
So, when you face a significant loss in your life—something you cared about so deeply that it felt like a fundamental part of yourself—whether it’s a pet, relationship, loved one, job, country, or limb, we adjust to a new reality you’d go through a grief journey. The more personal significance the loss carries—the more deeply it was rooted in your daily life—the more emotional demons and dragons you’ll have to slay on the way. Here are some on the monsters you might encounter on that path:
1. Shock – Rejection and Denial
When the loss is small and manageable, we can just go on with our lives while hardly even noticing it. However, since we are fragile beings in a transient world, sooner or later, we’re all forced to let go of things that mean the world to us. In such cases, the sense of loss and separation can get quite overwhelming.
When news of a significant loss first hits, it’s not something we could just handle at the moment. It can take a while. Until then, while the mind is still busy processing, you’d find yourself in a state of confusion—feeling paralyzed, distant, and numb.
As you drift into the darkness of loss and separation, you may find yourself confused or stuck in a stream of disturbing thoughts. You might partially lose your ability to communicate, think, or function.
That’s OK
When too much changes too quickly and unexpectedly, it becomes difficult to maintain mental coherence. Stunned, overwhelmed, and temporarily unable to process information, the mind has no choice but to actively refuse to accept the disturbing new information and deny everything. At least for a while, until it can catch up.
It’s too much. It’s too real. It’s too scary to even think about it! So we don’t.
The way through: conscious processing & understanding the full meaning of the change.
You need a break! Take time out, as soon as you can. Clear your schedule and focus on yourself. An important internal process has been triggered and it requires everything you got. The more attention you can spare the quicker and easier it’ll be.
It’s important that you give this process the respect it demands and don’t try to multitask your way through. Your mind is rebuilding itself, and this process will echo throughout the rest of your life.
How to support: At this stage be as soft as possible with them and wait until they’re calm, ready, and present before slowly introducing the disturbing news.
Emotional Resolution: Helplessness – you can’t avoid this. It’s happening.
2. Control – Blaming and Attacking
Where did it go wrong?
In this journey, the most vicious enemies attack first, making this first part the most challenging, so this is where most get stuck. The blame dragon comes out, trying to find those responsible and roast them!
When something painful happens, the unconscious mind instinctively seeks to assign blame. It’s a natural low-level reaction that happens automatically, without us noticing, and the first challenge is to be aware of it.
This blame goes both inwards and outwards. Blame cast outwards would trigger anger and resentment, while blame cast inwards will come out as the feeling of guilt and regret.
Could I have done anything to prevent this? Should someone else have done anything to prevent this?
Both types of blame are obstacles on our path. Casting blame, even though a rather natural response, blocks us from moving on with the process and keeps us stuck. Anyone and everyone can be held accountable, but what happened has already happened, and what’s important now is that we come to terms with it.
We all did the best we could.
Instead of blame, we must focus our energy on healing. This is a time for forgiveness and acceptance, not causing more pain. As difficult emotions arise, keep releasing them. Return to balance and calmness rather than letting anger and regret consume you. Only then can you truly move forward.
The way through: In this internal battle, fighting is not the answer. Do your best to maintain compassion, regain your peace, and don’t fall into the toxicity of blame. Don’t let the urge to inflict more pain take over you. Focus on relief. Keep working on helping yourself process this pain. Focus on yourself. Focus on getting better.
How to support: Simply be present, without judging or taking sides, and remain patient. If this proves challenging, it’s okay to step back.
The best approach is to avoid taking anything personally and recognize this as an unconscious process that needs to unfold naturally—letting these feelings emerge and be expressed without assigning blame and without holding anyone accountable.
Additionally, avoid taking part in any internal or external conflicts. Stay neutral—there’s nothing you need to say or do.
Emotional Resolution: Powerlessness – it can’t be controlled. It is how it is. You can’t fight this.
3. Change – Bargaining
In cases of death, even atheists might find themselves trying to bargain with God.
When losing a partner, we desperately apologize and make promises, hoping to win them back. When losing a job, we argue, beg, and explain ourselves. When losing civil rights, we debate online, share on social media, and post stories—spreading information in hopes that it might make a difference. Maybe someone can help. Maybe there’s still something we can do to change the outcome. Who knows?
“Who can I convince?“
Like all other methods for preventing grief, sometimes it works, or may seem to work… as long as it’s not too late. Yet even when it is too late, we often keep trying. After all, what’s at stake matters deeply to us.
“What do we have to lose?”
There’s nothing to lose—unless you wait too long. While you keep waiting, the process remains stuck. And until this process in complete, you experience dissonance and stay slightly out of tune with reality.
The core misconception here—sort of emotional reasoning—is that our choice to let go somehow affects reality. We believe, deep down, that mentally holding onto something might help bring it back, or that letting go too soon could harm our chances of recovery. We might even worry that others will resent us for not holding on longer. But if the people you care about truly care for you too, the last thing they’d want is for you to suffer needlessly. And if they don’t care about you, then you definitely shouldn’t be concerned with their opinions. Maintaining a mental grip on what’s gone doesn’t improve the situation in any way. Trust me.
What you do in the privacy of your own mind is your business alone. And what you should be doing there is keeping things SANE—maintaining focus, calmness, and composure. That’s it! Nothing fancy. Nobody is expecting you to be a wise philosopher, an esteemed judge, or a great prophet (unless that’s your job, of course). Your main responsibility is to maintain your sanity. Once you do that, the rest will take care of itself.
The way through: While there’s a strong temptation to try changing things, don’t linger in this stage too long. It’s neither a pleasant space to occupy nor a healthy foundation from which to act. Be conscious and intentional about your attempts and set clear deadlines so you won’t find yourself waiting forever.
How to support: You can hold space and allow them to think out loud. Offer gentle reasoning without rushing them. Focus on maintaining their calm,, and help them move through this stage and into acceptance.
Emotional Resolution: Desperation – nothing can change this (hopeless). There’s nothing I can do (useless).
4. Acceptance – Grieving
Finally, the actual grief arrives. After all other emotions have failed to create the change we wished for and all resistance has proven futile, there’s no escape. It’s time to accept the new reality and go into the process of grieving.
The battle is now over, and it’s time to let go.
Weepy, mopey, depressed and lethargic, you try to somehow make your way through the day, but what you really need now is a long and deep rest!
Your nervous system enters a mild dorsal vagal state as an intense physical heaviness washes over you—your body feels like it weighs a couple of tons or so. All you want to do is lie in bed, and you should. The body knows best! Grief is a process, and what you need now is to follow it through to completion. Trust the body; trust the mind, and let it do its thing.
The way through: Your mind needs to adjust, and for that to happen, you need to hibernate. Take some rest—preferably sleep. It can be a while until our internal mental agents move through our tightly knit mental cobweb and adjust all the little bits and pieces that were associated with the newly encountered loss.
This is a time for deep reflection, but this reflection will happen naturally on its own. You don’t need to do anything. Simply sit back and try to relax as much as possible. From this point forward, the process will unfold by itself. There’s no need to analyze or examine things closely, nor is there any reason to resist what’s happening.
How to support: This stage is best experienced alone, in privacy. No intervention is necessary.
4.1 Surrender to the Unknown
If you feel uncertain about what’s happening now or what lies ahead, that’s perfectly fine. Because the truth is that there’s simply no way you could possibly know. That’s the truth, and it’s best that we come to terms with it.
You’ll figure it out as you go.
Our world has always been unpredictable, and with each passing day, it grows even more uncertain.
We must accept that.
Accept that life doesn’t follow a well-thought-out rail system. We’re in uncharted territory—where we are now, we’ve never been before, and we don’t know where we’re heading next. We’re navigating through life’s unpredictable waters, where everything is in constant flux, nothing stays where it was and nothing can be taken for granted.
That’s OK
And it’s OK. We’re doing OK. We’re making it work.
Though it may feel uncertain at times, things have a way of working themselves out.
Trust the abyss. Embrace uncertainty. Leave your world behind and step boldly into the unknown.
Trust the process
Follow the body’s intelligence
4.2 The Breakdown
Eventually, it happens.
Don’t be afraid to break.
It’s okay to let go. It’s okay to break down. This won’t destroy you. It will make you stronger.
Let it happen. Let it fall. Let your self break away.
Eventually, when you’re ready, this emotional rollercoaster takes a nosedive.
Then comes the part where you feel really bad. Like really really bad. So bad that you start to think that you might not make it through. So bad that you fear even more that you might actually make it through and somehow have to find a way to live with this.
No matter how you look at it, it’s not good. The most painful part is that this is the truth—this is reality. It’s far from ideal, but we need to accept that.
It’s gonna be OK.
Don’t touch it. There’s nothing you need to do now! Try to meditate through this, even if you don’t know how. Let the thoughts run their course, without stopping them or questioning them. Don’t engage, just trust the process. Grief has been doing this for the last 300 million years, all on its own. It will all be over soon. All you need to do is just breathe through it.
Painful memories will come up.
Breathe
Screams and tears may come out.
Just breathe
Let it out. Just let it all out. There’s nothing more you need to do.
Let it fall. Let it go.
You’ll feel heavy and lethargic, perhaps even depressed—but you’re not. You’re simply “in the process.” Things have shifted, and your mind is going through a natural process of reorganization and defragmentation. Try not to use your mind too much right now. The more rest you get, the quicker this will go.
5. The Resurrection – Back to life
You get up and walk out of bed when suddenly you notice: YOU JUST WALKED OUT OF BED!
You’re not as heavy as you used to be, and once again, life feels breezy.
Of course, things are still difficult and life is still challenging, but you’re out of the dorsal vagal stage. You can move now.
Back to reality. Back to mental coherence. Back to love.
This part of the process is complete. Your mind is back in congruence and harmony with reality. You adjusted, sufficiently anyway, to your new circumstances.
But it’s not completely over yet. Plans need to be changed, goals need to be reassessed, and there are probably many other things to figure out as well.
Memories will continue to surface, triggered by random associations. You’ll need to keep reminding yourself to accept that things are now different. Keep adjusting and aligning yourself with this new reality.
The way through: Nothing is ever truly lost. Everything exists within you. Though they may no longer be present physically, their essence remains. Everything we encounter continues to live inside us, even after we let go.
Emotional Resolution: Grateful – be happy to still have that which you have. Cherish the gift of having experienced such a deep meaningful connection. Not everyone knows such a blessing. Let this deepen your appreciation for life’s fleeting beauty.
Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
Alfred Lord Tennyson
6. Redistribution of Love
When we lose someone or something we loved dearly, all that love becomes trapped inside us. Stuck, and congested it creates an uncomfortable pressure within us. To find relief, we must redirect this love and discover new ways to let it out and express it.
Although focusing on love during times of grief, sadness, and despair may feel difficult, it remains essential. Channel this love toward a new destination—whether it’s family, friends, pets, nature, life itself, or even directly to a higher power. The recipient doesn’t matter; what matters is keeping your heart open and allowing love to flow freely. Whomever you choose, let it be your lovers or your haters, doesn’t matter, just relieve the pressure — stay open and keep it flowing.
Grief is love with nowhere to go.
Ram Dass
The Road Ahead is More of Everything
I know this may seem like a lot to remember, and you might feel overwhelmed and not sure how to do all of that. But here’s the thing—I’m not writing this to give you a to-do list. I’m writing this so you’ll understand what’s happening and realize you don’t need to “do” anything at all. This is grief. It’s a natural part of being human, just like breathing. And like breathing, it will happen on its own if you simply let it. Hopefully, now, that you understand what’s going on, you’d be able to step aside and let it happen without feeling the need to resist it.
As our world changes at an ever accelerating pace—things come into our lives and disappear quicker than ever—and the practice of letting go becomes ever more prevalent in our lives. Unlike the random Joe in the 15th century who didn’t know as many people, hadn’t been to as many places, and didn’t even have YouTube, us modern folk are facing an unprecedented level of exposure.
Due to that increased exposure, we come across many more emotional triggers than ever before. Learning to process these experiences has become an essential skill in our lives that we must become proficient in.
So don’t shy away from life, fearing that getting too close or enjoying too much today might cause grief later. Instead, jump into life and live it fully, knowing that when good things come to an end, you can handle it!